melanoma research

Ok, so I finally sat down and did some melanoma research, and here's what I've come up with.

Melanoma is a Brazillian word which means, "prostitutes dancing the samba on the beaches of Sao Paulo 43 days before Carnivalle." You largely catch melanoma by having too much money, or parents with too much money, by having one's shirt off at the beach, and by not using terrible smelling lotions on your body. Bananna Boat is a fine example.

So once you've cought melanoma there's lots of ways to get rid of it. Apparently the best way to remove melanoma is a concoction of lemon juice, Absolut Mandarin, gecko excrement, 10W-30 motor oil to prevent viscosity and thermal breakdown, and holy water. This is applied to the melanoma and supposedly kills her.

Barring that a spirit journey to the straights of Magellan is needed. Once there one must meet the Shaman of the local McDonalds. He will anoint you in french fry grease and sweet and sour sauce. Honey is extra. He then strikes you on the head with the ceremonial dish rag. This should purge the dreaded melanoma from one's system.

Rehabilitation is dreadfull. The only option here is to attend a performance of Russia's hottest boyband, Dos Preyontica. They are notable for their sunken eyes, and for casting cabage onto the audience in lieu of on encore. I would charitably call the girls at this concert, 'fugly.'

After this concert one must visit a traditional Russian steam room. Sadly these rooms are inhabited chiefly by wrinkled men in their seventies.

Pray for me, this fate, it is a dreadfull one. I wish there were some way to avoid the steam rooms. I must away to the library for further research on some other magical cure. Something such as skin removal and even radiation would be preferable.