An open letter to Wallmart
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have always greatly loved your establishment. Long have I relied on Wallmart to be my moral compass and tell me what to believe. When you removed Maxim and Stuff magazines from your racks I applauded the death of filth. The day I learned of that action was one of the happiest days of my life.
The removal of cds with lyrics that are not propper for me to hear was a Godsend. For years I listened to music and thought that I really enjoyed it, but the Wallmart taught me that it was wrong for me to listen to music with the "F" word or the "S" word. Today I am truly a better person because the Wallmart told me to be so.
Perhaps the thing that I most love the Wallmart for is the decision that birth control is sinfull and not worth being carried. I am truly happy that the morning after pill is not available. Nothing makes me happier than the fact that all around the country Wallmart has decided that accidents and mistakes should now turn into crying mistakes who crap diapers and eat gerbers that can in turn be purchased at the Wallmart. I appreciate them showing me the light.
This leads me to today's visit to the Wallmart. I was deeply dismayed to find that the Wallmart had placed KY warming gel in the checkout lane of the Wallmart. At the moment I saw that, my entire world shattered. The Wallmart had always taught me that sex was something dirty, never to be enjoyed, and only to be embarked upon once every nine months so as to provide more business for the Wallmart.
You can imagine my dismay to see something so, so, sensual in your checkout aisle. Wallmart, why have you forsaken me? Please remove that disqusting bottle from your store. You have taught me that anything one does to the human body (besides shooting it in a freak hunting accident) is wrong. You have given me my morals Wallmart. You are my compas in this scary and confusing world. Before you came along I was lost, but now I am found. But then you did this.
Wallmart, I weep for my lost anchor, my missing direction.
Alas poor moral bedrock. I knew it Horatio.
Sincerely,
Kyle Martin
posted by Kyle @ 8:10 PM
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5 Comments:
Remind me to add your blog to my favorites on my blog, whenever I update it again. :) This letter rocks! Sarcasm at its finest.
maryjanejeff: Don't forget to add this blog to your favorites whenever you update it again.
mmm, let's try this again. maryjanejeff: Don't forget to add this blog to your favorites whenever you update it again.
Hey Jeff, remember to add me to your blog. Thanks for commenting.
for everyone else, Jeff posts on that soccer message board that I've told you about but none of you have actually seen.
And I'm pretty sure that mary jane is for that mountain in Winter Park Colo where skiing and stuff happens. But I would hope it has a great double entendre.
On another note I think it was named after one of my great aunts a long time ago. She was supposedly an awesome prostitute in winter park and the thankfull patrons named the mountain after her.
I read that article yesterday when you told me too look at it on page 42. It's really cool. I love the idea of blowing up cancer cells. The article about how cool star wars video games are was cool as well.
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