RIP

My grandma died today. She was a truly amazing woman.

There's a bit of a downside to always being a terribly optimistic person who never believes that anything bad will happen and that everything will work out.

When it doesn't, it's a serious kick in the balls

Update

Hey everyone,

so here's the news, got the last stitches out, and the two biopsies came back as pre-cancerous again, but not cancer. And they got the edges of it so that's pretty much that for another year. Next checkup is in about a year, so we'll see what that brings, but until then this whole deal goes into the rear view window.

Score!

Um, well I spoke too soon

And just like that it goes back to being weird, gay shit.

I know you're sitting there saying, "Kyle, why are you making fun of gayness?"

Well I say to you, this scene is totally gay.

So there's this dude in a silk prince outfit and cape and crown. And there's this other dude in leopard skin underwear tied up and kneeling on the floor. The prince dude is slapping the other guy on the cheeks with the flat of a sword.

Wait! he just cut the dude's head off, and a nazi came in and yelled at him?!? What the fuck kind of movie is this? Bring back the hot lesbians, less gay dudes and nazis.

Whoa!!! never mind

Hot lesbians. This movie has gone from suck, to awesomeness in the span of one sweet, sweet, scene dissolve. Way to go hippie bastards, take a shower and you'll be ok in my book!

Where did I go wrong in life?

So I turn on my tv, and my usually trusty and reliable tivo has decided to record some crazy ass 1970's movie from the independent film channel. This thing is seriously F'ed up. Why has my tivo decided to hate me? why? I mean I love it so much, I only tell it to record totally kick ass shows, and it goes and pulls this?

And this leads to another question. What the fuck were you old people thinking to make this kind of crap in 1970?

Just in case you're curious, the movie is called, "Beyond the Valley of the Dolls"

The latest

Good call Shae,

Ok, so here's the latest.

-Got the biopsies back from the first removals, and they came back pre-cancerous and atypical. Which is great. Got those suckers out in time.

-On Monday had the first set of stitches out and the next two areas excised. I'll find out about the next two sets of biopsies in a week or so.

-Hopefully the second verse is the same as the first.

Today

So I got cut today. It kind of hurts, but that's to be expected. We'll see what the biopsies say in a few days.

I got to see the pieces they cut out floating in some alcohol in a little jar. I was surprised at how big the are was. About as wide around as a quarter and pretty deep. I had no idea that skin was that deep. Kind of like if you took a big grape and cut it in half. 11 and 13 stitches. Round two is Monday the 21st.

again

So I bled out again tonight. Honestly, it's kind of scary when your skin seeps blood. For some reason it just doesn't seem quite right.

9 days till the knife, we'll see what it brings.

News

Well, I heard today that a friend from high school and my neighborhood died of Melanoma. Awesome.

Two weeks till the knife.

Outside

"It sure is beautiful outside today, and the weather's nice too!"

Oh my, I see my attempts at global warming have finally taken hold. What a glorious day.

Most of you know I love the sun and hate the winter (that whole sun loving thing may or may not have something to do with this whole melanoma thing, I'm not sure tho, the jury's still out). It's too bad the carnival on Rte40 was last weekend and not this weekend.

And I'm leaving the kiddies in charge today!

What a surprise

So I come into work this morning, and guess what? I find out that there's an event tonight that I knew nothing about and have to work. Ahh surprises. But at least I get overtime. So I'm going to spend tonight's event thinking about what I should spend money on. Here's what I have so far, and as always recommendations are smiled upon.

- Pay off debts
- Save for a house
- Go on a vacation
- Buy a car
- Save for a house

Right now I can't seem to get the Audi webpage to work right, so I'm going to hunt vacations. Hmmm, wonder what I'll find....

Too much sad shit lately

What the hell? Between cancer, working to much, VT, my roomate's crappy weekend, and the whole complete woman revulsion force field I employ I've decided it's time for a pick-me-up.

So I've bought the Dan Band cd. It's awesome! Some of you may know that the Dan Band is the kick ass wedding band from the movie "Old School." They do covers of 80s womens songs in a cool, aggressive rocking style.

So when you're feeling down, do yourself a favor and listen to the Dan Band. It's awesome!

I need you now tonight, I fucking need you more, than EVER!

The turdbuckets at NBC

So I was watching tv tonight, as I am wont to do. And my lovely tivo informs me that it's turning the station so I can watch "My Name is Earl." Not surprisingly, however, the news was on.

Let me take a step back here and say that the shooting at VT was a terrible, terrible thing. I won't even talk about that disgusting growth on Frank Beamer's face or how the whole thing might have been lessened if they allowed people to carry personal handguns on campus.

Instead I have a problem with NBC news. About twelve minutes in Brian Williams has an interview with the first two EMTs to respond to the scene. They talk about all the carnage, not knowing if the gunman was going to return, and the general horror of the scene.

It was during this that the terribleocity happened. NBC had the gall to show the EMTs on some kind of weird field camera thing that put crosshairs right in the middle of the EMT's faces. How messed up is that?!? NBC is covering the worst campus shooting in the history of the US and they decide to put crosshairs on the EMTs. Oh well, we all knew that NBC was nothing but a bunch of turdbuckets.

Karl Rove is one sneaky bastard.

Ok, so I've been working a whole, whole lot the last few days. And while I was at work I was thinking about the whole Don Imus thing, and after doing all the math, crunching the numbers, I've decided that it's all a huge plot by Karl Rove.

I mean think about it! Imus was a champion of the independent white male voters that the republicans crave. Their bread and butter! And along comes Don Imus and endorses democrat after democrat after democrat. That's just not right.

So Karl Rove fed the girls from Rutgers some mega steroids to get to the championship knowing full well that Don Imus would say something stupid. Then he used the frontal cortex outrageautron that he had inserted into Sharpton's head. He cranked that baby to the max!

So what happens? No more Imus being used as a conduit for Democrats to talk to independent white males. Genius!

Where's global warming when you need it?

Walking around campus the last two weeks has been a very sad time. It's been cold, what the hell?!? This is the prime time for beautiful spring weather. During class change I should be floored with the amazing parade of short skirts, tank tops, and bared midriffs. And what do I get instead? Jeans, parkas, and those terrible, terrible, horrible Himalayas sherpa boots.

So I finally snapped today. I think I might have heard a rumor, somewhere that carbon dioxide and methane will warm up the atmosphere, so I'm doing my part! My car has been running all day and I had a huge lunch of burritos and apple juice. So basically every five minutes I've been running outside to fart and yelling, "Fly, fly my methane farts, warm the world and bring back my low cut tops and hi cut skirts!!!"

I kind of think I need to have some more coffee.

Um, my bad

Sorry about the last post, Ryan Cormier isn't the fat guy, it's some dj. My bad

I should keep dental floss at work.

Hello loyal readers.

So I'm sitting at work this fine evening waiting for a karaoke contest to start. Although this ain't your greasy bar karaoke, we're talking 600 people on stage mega karaoke with the best singers from all the surrounding sororities. It's just too bad that it's cold and rainy outside, thus limiting awesome outfit potential.

But with all this amazingness surrounding me what's the one thing on my mind? That damn piece of pepperoni from tonight's dinner stuck in my teeth. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I can feel it with my tongue but I can't work the damn thing loose. I really need to start keeping dental floss at work.

And on an unrelated note, some of you Delawareans may know of Ryan Cormier. He's the News Journal's resident pop culture guy. He hangs out at the beaches in the summer and writes about hip stuff. Never in my wildest imagination did I think that he's a four hundred pound mountain of a man. If you combined him, me, and Tony Soprano you'd get Jabba the Hutt.

The power of anger

Never underestimate the power of anger. To a very large degree it's what got me through last time. Let me recap...no, no, there is no time, let me sum up. During the last go'round (that's rodeo speak for you non-Southerners) I had a lot of anger. It started with the hatred of my primary care physician who was so bad at seeing the potentially negative connotations of bleeding darth moles, took three visits before deciding to remove them, and then refused to give me the results of my biopsy for three weeks.

Obviously, that anger sustained me for a long time, and then I went to the awesome Dr. Conti. But my topic was anger. Dr. Conti was like, "Kyle, you needs you some surgery." And I was like, "ok." Anyways, that anger was when my gf of the time said to me, "Kyle, I can't handle this, I need to focus on myself and my goals, and I don't have time for your worries." When was this you ask? Well I'll tell you, it was 3 days before my surgery. Awesome!!!!!

So basically I had white hot rage to sustain me last time. This time you ask? Well this time I had perhaps the most awesome month ever. Let's recap. The gator's won their 3rd national championship in the last 364 days, My roomates bought a totally awesome fifty inch high definition plasma tv and surround sound, my brother got engaged to an awesome girl, two of my best friends got married, I'm amazingly fresh despite the work hell, I got my Karazahn key, and I had my first weekend off since February. So I went into this appointment totally optimistic. Never did I think that anything would be wrong. Five minutes and then a whole day off to goof off and have fun.

Fuck.

This was really a kick in the balls. I never expected it. Best case scenario the biopsies are negative, but I still have 6-8 weeks of stitches and no physical activity. Just as I'm getting back into shape. I was benching 3 sets of 12 at 215. And now I have to stop.

Whatever. I'm not good at words. I'm not sure why but this time is harder than last time. My obscene optimism has been blindsided. It's kind of difficult, and now when all I want to do is hang out with people and enjoy myself, revel in life and all that, I have to work for seven straight days.

I promise not to be so down the next entries. After all, I'm a damn, dirty, red Injun, and I've had a lot of firewater tonight, but it's kind of a downer. I thought I was done with this. Past it. Melanoma was in the rearview mirror. But now it's back worse than before. And I'm a little scared. I'll deny it in the morning, but it's kind of a dark night.

But then I remember what Aragorn said at Helm's deep,
"None knows what the new day shall bring."

I'm gonna be hung over tomorrow, but after that I promise to be happy again.

Back in the game

Hello all,

Well, after a few month's hiatus M&me is back in business! So, yes, I went to my good friend Dr. Conti this morning and he was all like, "Daaaaamn boy!!!! You'se gots some elongated, malformed dysplapsia with abnormal pigmentation, we gonna slice those bad boys right off yo back, snickety snack!"

So yeah, I'm on my way back dealing with this business. I go under the knife twice in May to get 4 moles off and biopsied. We'll have to see what happens. But in the previous few months I've decided to make some changes, and here they are.

Quasimoledos - they served me well. I 've always been a fan of The Hunchback of Notre Dame, but it's time for a change. From now on those sinks of evil will be knows as Darth Moles.

Nickelback - Just kidding, I still hate Nickelback, I mean come on! It's me!

Hershey's Kisses - I appreciate the outpouring of hershey's awesomeness the last time around, but, uh, I still haven't eaten them all, so I'm good. Thanks, though.

Well that's it for now, I'll be blogging, stay tuned!

Sorry it's been a while

Ok, so I'm sorry I haven't been updating, but there's something that has moved me to post again.

Nickelback's Photograph song.

this song is the worst song ever invented. It's just not a bad song, but it's an audio abortion. I can't handle this song any more. I want to violently vomit whenever I hear it. It just turns my stomach and makes me want to slice myself with glass.

That and whenever Douchebag McGee sings that song it sounds like he's sitting on a toilet working really hard to push out a crap.

Latest news

Hey Gang,

So I had my stitches out today. The doctor said that I did a really good job of keeping everything out. I'm glad that the whole stitches deal is over with. And now that the melanoma chapter is finished for right now, he said that it's time to focus on the other cancer.

That's right folks, just when you thought I was out of the woods, he saw a spot on my hand that could be basil cell carcinoma, a.k.a. the pussy of all cancers. So even if I have it I'm not all that worried. Basically he saw the spot, and froze it with liquid Nitrogen. I go back in two months, and if it hasn't fallen off by the freezing juice, then he'll cut it out and send it to be biopsied.

Secret Service

You may or may not know, but US Ambassador to the UN, John Bolton is talking in my theatre tonight. It should be fun. But I just had the Secret Service walkthrough. One of the agents was pretty hot. She gave me her cell phone number and everything. She said to give her a call if anything comes up that I think she might be interested in.

Maybe if I'm bad she'll tackle me.

But that probably wouldn't be too good for the whole "stitches" thing.

Oh well. They're having 3 getaway cars. How cool is that! And she had a really neat gun.

Coldplay

Jody and I went to go see coldplay last night. It was a good time. We listened to the opening band and were like, "wtf are these guys? They sound interesting." But they wouldn't tell us who they were. Untill they played bittersweet symphony. So it was cool that we actually got to hear a band that is fairly well known as the opener.

I'm crazy busy this weekend. Is it the summer time? I really need a vacation. I'm seriously considering 2 weeks backpacking Europe this summer. If I do it I'll probably just book the trip in a fit of wanting to do something. Although the caribean would be nice also.

good news

Hey guys,

I thought I'd let you know that I got a call from the Dr's office today and the results are in and they removed all the nasty bits. Which is good because I have a hard time imagining a greater incision in my back. If they had to widen both of those people would have been forgiven for assuming that i had a c-section scar from shoulder blade to shoulder blade.

A moment of your time if I may,

IT'S GREAT. TO BE. A FLORIDA GATOR! SAY
IT'S GREAT. TO BE. A FLORIDA GATOR! SAY
IT'S GREAT. TO BE. A FLORIDA GATOR!

What a dominating performance that was. I mean, it was a total beatdown.

Joakim Noah is a mighty beast whom none can stop, or even hope to contain.

Hey Jenn, sorry that Karl can't afford to take you out to the nice dinner now, because the Gators not only won me a lifetime memory of hapiness, but this year's NCAA pool.

And to all of you who wanted to win your pools, you should know by know that you need to pick the Gators.

WooHoo! Not even cancer can make me sad tonight!

I don't know if anyone has taken this angle.

So everyone's all happy about Jill Carroll being released from her imprisonment in Baghdad.

Now I know the girl has made it through a lot and this may come out as being crass, but she's pretty hot. I like that whole brunnette with glasses thing she has going on. So if she needs someone to ease her back into American life she should just leave me a message and we'll go out for steak and ice cream or something.

Update

So I'm doing alright. Healing up pretty well. This business hurt pretty bad for the first couple of days, but I've largely weaned myself from the Vicodin and have moved on to advil.

Now I just need to hear back about this next batch of biopsies. Hopefully they're all clear.

I have to work a death penalty debate tonight. Ugh, how about an uplifting event?!? And to add to the mix they just decided that Moussaoui is eligible for the death penalty. Just to add some spice to the event. Do you want to know my position?

Well here it is. I hope that the death penalty doesn't engender enough of a debate so as to keep me from being home by 9:21. I need to see my Gators win their first national championship in basketball. Joakim Noah is gonna get it done.

Jill Carroll

So those Iraqi dogs released Jill Carroll today. Now I'm going to blame this one on the Vicodin, but I'm gonna just come right out and say it. Jill Carroll is friggin' hot. I should send her an open letter. Congrats on getting released, yadda, yadda, yadda.

On another note this vicodin leaves a nasty aftertaste in my mouth. Has anyone else had this problem? I've been trying to drink soda and coffee and stuff just to get it out.

So, yeah, my back hurts. Pretty bad, but it's getting much better. I'm going to go back to work tomorow. Oh, and I need to do my taxes. Stupid uncle sam and his fees. Why do I need his fancy interstates and military anyway?

I would totally be a libertarian if they weren't so F'ed in the head.

movies

So I watched Shrek2 earlier today. It was awesome.

Now I'm watching Team America.

Pearl Harbor Sucked, just a little more than I miss you


Freedom isn't free, it's got a hefty fucking fee. Freedom costs a buck O five.


This is the first time I've seen the dvd. The pooping is funny.

TV

I'm watching Globe Trecker right now.

I love this show. It's an hour long show about backpacking all around the world. Tonight's episode is about backpacking in Costa Rica. So this dude is going to all these totally awesome little hole in the wall resorts in Costa Rica. They're all absolutely beautifull, and they all reinforce the fact that I'm friggin' ready for a vacation!

And it'll help if there's hot chicks in bikinis around.

And beer.

Although margharitas will do in a pinch.

And really, as long as it's booze I'm not too picky.

As long as it isn't absolutely disqusting.


Hehehehe, on another note this crazy Costa Rican dude named this 20 ft. long mean crocodile Sadam Hussein. That's awesome.

I looked at it

So somewhere in the haze of vicodin I decide that I want to see what the wounds look like. I mean, the doctor took pictures of them and I saw it in the digital camera, but they were zoomed so I didn't know what size they actually were.

Well, they're each about 3 to 4 inches long. My incisions are both 2 cobis. They hurt like hell.

and so it goes

The vicodin has been called in. Damned deep incisions.

Alas poor pain. I knew him Horatio

post-op

So I just got back from the 'ol doctor's office. It ended up taking about an hour and a half and he only decided to re-exise the two places that were done earlier and came back as abnormal. But boy-howdy did he ever re-exise them. Both of the wounds are about an inch long. And he used 10 stitches in one and 12 in the other.

He told me to try taking advil, but if that doesn't fly call back and he'll call in a prescription for something else. So I'll take the advil and see how i feel in a few hours when the lidocaine wears off.

Lets see, other things. I get the stitches out in two weeks, and I'm not allowed to do any heavy lifting for at least three weeks. They also promised me that they would call me as soon as the newest biopsy results come back.

He also said something interesting. He said that usually the bleeding and stinging is the sign that moles that were probably pre-cancerous for a long time were changing into melanoma. So it's very good that I caught it when I did.

So the moral of the story? Use your sunscreen and avoid those tanning beds. And if you have a mole that starts to bleed go to the doctor.

the knife

Well, tomorow I go under the knife. It seems like this time has less cancer concern, but much deeper and wider cutting and stiches and stuff. I hope this guy does a good job of stitching me up so there's not big holes in my back. He is a plastic surgeon so hopefully he pays attention to those details. And he better give me some drugs.

But more than anything I hope that this guy is better at getting me the biopsy results in a timely fashion. If he takes a week and a half to get them back to me I'm going to be seriously pissed. But I don't think he will.

I am sort of nervous, but we'll see what happens. If nothing else I have a couple of days to play video games and watch dvds and stuff. Well, we'll see what happens.

It's great to be a Florida Gator!

Final 4 baby! Final 4!

This is a good night. And I take this as a good omen heading into the slice and dice session on Tuesday. Despite any discomfort, my heart will be warmed by the fact that Joakim Noah will soon be playing in Indianapolis for a national championship.

South Park

Alas poor chef, I knew him Horatio.

So Chef is dead. Because that fruity club scrambled his brain.

I love how South Park is taking on Scientology. Those people are messed in the head. I remember driving by Clearwater and yelling out the window, "Come out of the closet Tom, come out of the closet." It was an amazing afternoon of belittling Scientologists.

And really, it was a super episode.

Sitting next to Karl.

So I'm sitting next to karl, and he says to me.

"What's the deal Kyle? Now that it looks like your health isn't in serious risk we don't get to hear about Kyle anymore? So this is what happens, at first you post like six times a day and blow your load, and now what?"

So Karl, here you go. I will now right all the posts that I was even sort of thinking about posting about. Sorry dude, you asked for it.

listmania

I've decided that I want to make up a list of things that I would like to do during UD's spring break next week.

-SCUBA dive all week in a very warm place.
-Go sailing in a very warm place.
-Feet in sand, drink in hand (reps to Fran for that one)
-Have surgery on my nearly cancerous back.
-Visit some cool European city, I hear Amsterdam/Vienna/Innsbruck/Berlin are nice in the Spring
-Drink a half chocolate, half banana milkshake.
-Maybe watch a movie or something.
-help an old lady cross a street , the WRONG STREET! Muahahahaha! Muahahahaha! My heart is as cold and hard as a lump of coal!
-Appologize to the old lady and feel terrible for what I've done.
-Watch some tv or somethin'

So we'll see what happens.

A journey back to health.

So over the last month and a half or so the combination of working all the friggin' time and this whole cancer business has led to me not doing as well on my diet and excercise routine as I had been doing up until this point. So it's time to re-commit myself to my good friends at 1614.

When I stopped i was down 80, but I've probably gained back 10 in the last month. So my goal is to get to 100 by June 15. We'll see if it happens.

But if it doesn't, then I'll probably blame the Scientologists. Or maybe George W. He deserves blame for me falling off the wagon. That and he's totally brokeback when he wears that hat.

Rainbows are totally gay.

My run of luck continues.

The cello player dumped me yesterday. It was awesome!

Too bad she couldn't have done it before the party Friday night. I could have hit on that 19 year old friend of Heather's Sister. ;-) Just kidding, I would have to be super drunk to do something like that.

Ok, back to the hunt. Who has hot single friends within 25 miles and the age range of 22-31?

An open letter to Viacom

From: "Kyle Martin"
Subject: Support Freedom of Speech! Bring back the southpark Scientology ep.
To: press@viacom.com

Dear Sir or Madam,

It is with terrible sadness that I notice that Viacom has capitulated your basic freedom of speech and wilted before the pressure of both Catholics and now Scientologists. I would have hoped that in these troubled times a media organization would value the ideals of the free exchange of ideas. This compleat retreat saddens me greatly.

I wonder where you will stop? Will you begin to closely censor South Park? Will Carlos Mencia be bound by your cowardly decisions? Will the bullying of these extremist religious groups cause you to tie the hands of Jon Stewart?

Tom Cruise is a sniveling little sycophant. If you cave to his pressure on the South Park Scientology episode how will you stand for anything?

Please Viacom, I implore you to go find your backbone and grow a pair. The Scientology episode was one of the funniest this year. Please stand for freedom of expression and put that episode back on the schedule for Wednesday.

Sincerely,
Kyle Martin

post-doc

Ahhh yeah, I've got a Phd in lovin' baaaaby... sorry about that, on with the report from the doctor's office.

So I went to Dr. Conti's office, and here's what he had to say.

-Atypical biopsies come in five varieties. wussily abnormal, kind of weird, This bad-boy could be cancer any seccond, Melanoma - the pussy edition, and write your will you sad bastard. Mine is pre-cancerous, but the most extreme variety. He said it's good that we're getting it taken care of now because it is likely to turn cancerous this summer if left untreated.

-Although he warned me to not get too exited because when Dr. Navarro took the other biopsies he didn't get the edges. So he needs to re-excise the previous biopsies to get all of it and he'll take out two more. He tells me that there may turn out to be melanoma in those other spots, but he doubts it. Just don't get my hopes up.

-He also said that even if it does turn into cancer then it would be the pansy, wimpy variety of melanoma because we caught it early enough. He says that there's this new product that is chemotherapy in a topical ointment. Man, they're doing amazing things with topical ointments these days. And imagine, if I had a hairy back it would look like Steve Carrell from the 40 year old virgin.

-So I go back in a couple of tuesdays to have some significant cutting done, and then we'll see what those biopsies have to say. So by an large an encouraging day.

-Bonus material: This guy was also a plastic surgeon and his waiting room is amazing. The entire office has really expensive hardwood floors. The waiting room has expensive paneling and cloth wallpaper, and nice chairs and leather couches that have to be worth at least $30,000. Then he has a HUGE plasma screen tv in the waiting room and a grand piano. And since he doesn't pay someone to play it he has a really nice bose sound system hidden in a box under it so it sounds like music is coming from the piano.

-This guy also radiated a sense of competence. He took pictures of my quasimoledos to see how they evolve or don't evolve over the next few months. I feel much better about going to this guy than going to the terrifically bad Glasgow Family Practice.

An inauspicious day.

SOOTHSAYER:
Ceasar!

CAESAR
Ha! Who Calls?

CASCA
Bid every noise be still. --Peace yet again

[Music ceases]

CAESAR
Who is it in the press that calls on me?
I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music,
Cry, "Caesar"! Speak, Caesar is turn'd to hear.

SOOTHSAYER
Beware the Ides of March.

CAESAR
What man is that?

BRUTUS
A soothsayer bids you beware the Ides of March

CAESAR
Set him before me; let me see his face.

CASSIUS
Fellow, come from the throng; look upon Caesar.

CAESAR
What say'st thou to me now? Speak once again.

SOOTHSAYER
Beware the Ides of March

CAESAR
He is a dreamer; let us leave him. Pass.